Monday, January 30, 2006

Happy Valentine's Gay

Here we are again. It’s February. It’s time for chocolates. It’s time for potpourri scented teddy bears. It’s time for diaper wearing babies to go around shooting people with arrows that make them fall in love. Awwww. Isn’t that sweet. Except for one thing. When you shoot an arrow into someone, there’s a very good chance that THEY’RE GOING TO DIE. And if they happen to make it to a hospital in time, they’re still likely to have a very bad month. “Oooo look, I’ve got a love arrow in me. And gangrene. Thanks a lot asshole.”

Face it people. Valentine’s Day is gay. See it even rhymes. You think that’s a coincidence? Now I know I’m not the first one to complain that Valentine’s Gay is nothing more than a Hallmark holiday. But the real reason I hate Valentine’s Gay is that it has turned into a giant bribe between two people. Valentine’s gay is a GIRLY GIRL holiday. Guys don’t like this crap. They only pretend to like it, because what they really like is fucking. And ever since this stupid holiday was marketed, the recipe for fucking on and after the 14th has been buying crappy chocolate and pink cards with nauseating text. Guys also enjoy when we do things like cook, and not bitch. And since it’s pretty hard for most of us to cook a proper meal and bitch at the same time, they buy us dinner, chocolate and pretend to like this fucking holiday. And if they don’t, we withhold sex. This isn’t love, people. It’s cleverly masked mutual hatred.

And if he actually likes Valentine’s Gay, sorry, babe. Your man is a homosexual ticking time bomb. It may not be till you guys get married and have two kids, but sooner or later you’re gonna come home to find him plugging away at the sweet cheeks of your “eclectic, artistic” neighbor.

To help illustrate Valentine’s gayness, I’d like to get a little help from Hallmark. Here are a few examples of cards that the in-the-closet gay homosexual ticking time bombs will be presenting to their sex withholding bitchy girlfriends on the 14th.

“You and I are connected in a way that goes beyond romance, beyond friendship, beyond what we've ever had before...We're soul mates. I can't explain it. I just feel it.”

Yeah, maybe you can’t fucking explain it because you’re not smart enough to see how stupid you’re acting. Oooo baby, me wub you. Wub make me feel good inside. Wub make me feel not so much like retard. Wub make me forget dat my bus short.

And another...

“I look into your eyes and I see the sparkle and warmth that first made me fall in love with you. I hear your voice and the sound soothes and comforts me as it always has. I feel your touch and I am complete. You fill my senses with all that is you”

Yeah. That really gets me in the mood. So does the vomit I just got all over those satin sheets. Oops.

I’m sure some of you are probably pitying me. “Oh this poor girl got her heart broken by some asshole, and she’s too hurt to see how precious love can be.” Well, sorry to throw you off, but this isn’t the ranting of some jaded broken hearted girl who has to keep wiping away the tears so she can see what she’s typing. I’ve got the Rican. I’m happy. That’s enough. And we don’t need to prolong sex by exchanging scripted nonsense by wannabe writers who probably dabble in spoken word and listen to Savage Garden. (Plus, cards in the bed puts us at higher risk to paper cuts in places I’d rather avoid being sliced.) My happiness has simply provided me with enough clarity to realize that Valentines Day is gay.

That, and when your freelance job doesn’t provide you with health insurance, avoiding contact with flying arrows is always a sound financial decision.


Jaime Schwarz said...

You had me at Sound Garden. You know I think you're too cynical about Vday but damn that was funny!

You know that single they had in like '97 when that woman is singing inaudibly in the background. I SWEAR she is saying "butt fuck my ass." Well maybe it's a he sounding like a she.

Courious Grown Kid said...

I concha!

Finally you're back on the blog.
Nice to hear again from you...

My only appreciation is to the females (I know I am not gay and will never be...), but being married for over 18 Years now, I know, that some honest romantic talk and a nice bouquet of flowers can keep the mood up in a relationship, especially for the ladies the know about PMS. In fact, I do not have to bribe my wife to get her into bed. But there has to be a V-Day once in while during the all day life.
The occasional flower or pack of pralinés tell mine, that I still love her (which is true).

It is the quality of time, that you spend together, that matters in the relationship. This is why I understand V-Day as as stupid as you describe it. If you cannot keep the romance up and running continously, then V-Day is pure hippocrism. In fact,... what a pain in the neck for those who fight all year and then suddenly have to be nice at V-Day. Yuk!

Best way to spend V-Day?
Take the flowers, rip the petals off, spread them over the satin and then...just let the bedpoles rock!


concha said...


DP said...

Too funny! And what others call "cynical" I call "realistic." V Day is Gay. I'm getting a t-shirt made.

copyranter said...

gangrene, Savage Garden. Savage Garden, gangrene.

tough call.

MetroDad said...

Hey, Concha. Found you via Cookie & RBrown. Just wanted to say that, despite your cynicism, I loved this V-day rant. I've always thought it was just another one of those marketing scams by Hallmark. And even though I'm a romantic at heart, I'd never write one of those "me wub you" cards to my wife. I prefer to keep it simple.

That's why I always give her V-Day cards that say, "Yo! You know you're my #1 bitch, today and forever, right? Now, let's head to the bedroom and get our groove on!"

copyranter said...

the alternative to the Vermont teddy bear, the shit bitch bear:

concha said...

haha. nice.

melvin said...

i like valentine's day. (and i'm not just saying that because i work for a greeting card company.) boyfriend or no boyfriend it always ends up being a fun night shared with companions. which is more than i could say for new years eve. (which always seems to be spent throwing money away for a medicore time)

Shopping Diva said...

I fucking HATE Vday. My birthday is the week before. I have had too many lazy-assed boyfriends COMBINE the two. That's why I married my husband. He actually separated the two and gave me kickass gifts.

Now we don't even notice it. We have sex, we don't need no stinkin' holiday!

prozac popper said...

i like to get candy for valentine's day. the kind i need a prescription for and knocks me out for a few hours.

ah, i get goosebumps just thinking of it.

bitemycookie said...

could. not. agree. more. don't need valentimes or bithdays or anniversaries. spread the love over the course of the year when it's least expected, not when it's prescribed. i'll take diamonds any day of the year, dear. bravo concha.

and definitely don't stop by my blog on valentine's day because there is a good chance that my kid will be prancing around 1/2 naked in a tutu/diaper combo holding an arrow. but if you do, don't shoot back -- she's just a kid.

Anonymous said...

I can't fucking stand people who use the term "gay" in this way.