Friday, February 17, 2006

assimilate, goddamnit!

My agency is run by a couple of guys who aren’t from this country. I just found out that, no, we’re not getting Monday off. They looked at me like I was crazy.

“We don’t take President’s Day off. What the fuck is President’s Day?”

It’s time to talk about assimilation. I lived in Europe for nine months. And when I was there, I fucking ASSIMILATED. Three months in Berlin. People aren’t funny here? Ok, I can be serious for three months. (Even though it’s fucking killing me to keep a straight face when you guys speak.) I even spent my spare time learning how to conjugate your fucking goddamned weird ass verbs in your goddamned weird ass language just so I could order my milchkaffe without sounding like a stupid American.

Three months in Amsterdam. I assimilated. No problem.

Three months in London. I ate their fucking food. I drug my happy Miamian ass out of the beautiful sun and sat under their grey skies for three months. Did I complain? Never. In fact I think I called London “cool,” on a few occasions. And oh, that’s right. I even contemplated suffering through their ridiculous placement system just so I could get an advertising job there. (If you don’t know how they hire juniors there, it’s too long of an explanation for this entry. But, trust me, it’s a pain in the ass.)

So now you’re here in my country. Now I’m not “proud to be an American.” I don’t drink Budweiser and I don’t like fireworks. But if you want to run an agency here, you better fucking observe Presidents Day. And we celebrate it by sleeping the fuck in. Yea! Go Lincoln. Now hit the goddamned snooze button before I have to get out of this bed and stuff goddamn acid under your goddamn fingernails.

Learn it. And just like fish n chips, you may find it’s not all that bad.

12 comments:

Shopping Diva said...

Now I gotta know where these guys are from!

We're not getting Monday off either. Only bankers and government workers get to enjoy it now.

And I want to know why we are Stupid Americans over in Europe, but when they come here they are offended if you even suggest they get a little Americanized?!?

concha said...

no, the reason i'm pissed is because every friend i have that works in an agency has off.

melvin said...

ohio needs to assimilate in a lot oof ways. presdidents day is one of them. me be working with you.

RBrown said...

yeah, you're getting fucked. and not in the pleasurable, do-it-all-night kind of way. it's ironic - people in advertising work like farm animals every other day yet we still get the cushy bank holidays off. I don't get it.

Tell those fuckwits President's Day is't necessarily to honor THIS PARTICULAR president in office and to let you have the fucking day off.

if that doesn't work tell them you'll eat black pudding. I don't know. ASSIMILATE mother fuckers!

Jaime Schwarz said...

Tell them if you don't get American Holidays off then you get their british ones off. Remember all those banking holidays? I had 4 banking holidays when I was in London. Take those off and just walk in the next day and when they look at you weird just say "What, it was a banking holiday. Check your calanders. I'm off to get some crumpets after I go to the loo, anyone want some?"

anominous said...

pretty cool. london sucks ass.

concha said...

i liked it. but if i got into the same kind of trouble that you did, i might see it differently too.

not so anominous said...

the whole trouble was the best thing about london. didn't get much out of it other than the life enhancing experience the trouble was.

you ever hear about what happened to the other parties involved?

one got knocked up, the other found his place in the world as a loser.

and, so much for my cover...

concha said...

cover? i knew it was you months ago.

anominous said...

i know you knew, as i'm sure you knew i know you knew.

nothing new...

conversations in unusual manners are my area of expertise.

how's life?

copyranter said...

2 words: blood. pudding.

DP said...

Concha, I feel you, sistah. My shop didn't give us Pres Day off either. And we're in Dallas. How much more redneck American can you get?