Thursday, July 06, 2006

it's called vibrate, bitches

A few weeks ago I was in the restaurant working a party, when a hush fell over the crowd. The party thrower decided it was time to inundate his guests with a little public masturbatory bather, otherwise known as a speech. During his rambles, a ringtone inevitably exploded from the silent crowd. The phone owner grabbed the disobedient device and ran to the back of the restaurant where I was standing.

“I put one of those ringtones on my phone,” he said to me holding it up. “So I’ve gotta wait here until it stops playing. You know, so I don’t interrupt his speech.”

I opened my palm and placed it in front of him.

“Sir, allow me.” He handed me the phone and I so very cleverly pushed the button labeled “off.”

And lo’ the angels ceased their song. And by angels I mean the idiot’s ring tone stopped playing.

He looked up at me incredulously. “How’d you do that?”

My friends, this is an accurate representation of the intelligence of a person who has chosen to replace his perfectly acceptable cell-phone ring with a ringtone: An illiterate technologically inept idiot. You can defend your awesome Kelly Clarkson song all day, but having a ringtone wins you a first place ribbon in The Biggest Loser Ever contest. Don’t believe me? Then look around you and take note of the type of people who purchase these sound pollutants and the songs they’re picking. With all the pop garbage spewing out of every fucking Motorola in this city, you’ll find the number of people with ringtones is almost directly proportional to those with embarrassingly bad music tastes.

Since they’re impossible to ignore, I’ve made a few observations about idiots with ringtones I often hear. Their selections usually say a lot about them, and quite possibly, what they think of themselves.

Jay-Z “Big Pimpin’”


Although the song conjures up mental images of yachts and blinged out bitches, I’ll turn around only to see a middle class white boy rocking out to the first few bars of his played out ringtone. News Flash: Getting a free Motorola for signing a contract that, if broken, demands your left nut, is not exactly the Cristal poppin’ lifestyle the phone’s crappy speaker is pathetically trying to blast. So put a normal ring on your phone and fucking answer it. It’s probably your mom.


Black Eyed Peas: “My humps” There are probably about 2.7 women in the world who have lovely enough “ lady lumps” to hypnotize a few jerk-off idiots into laying down their black American Express cards for some 7jeans. But unsurprisingly, the number of women touting this ringtone is significantly higher. The fact that your husband’s meager middle management salary purchased your new pair of Jordace jeans, does not make you a dancer in a Black Eyed Peas video. Quit shaking your swollen post pregnancy hips and answer the goddamn phone already.

Britney Spears: “Toxic” Not only is the name of this sound pollutant incredibly ironic, but let’s think back to the Britney we knew in the pre-I-married-me-some-white-trash-and-turned-into-a-beached-whale days. Remember her fan base? The ones you saw flipping out and screaming at her televised Disney World shows? Their average age was about nine fucking years old. So choosing Britney for your ringtone is like strapping a giant marquee onto your head that says “MY MUSIC TASTES HAVE NOT ADVANCED BEYOND A FIFTH GRADE LEVEL!” I’m guessing you don’t get a lot of dates, so you’re probably much better off storing your phone down your pants and setting it to vibrate.


Pussycat dolls: “Don’t Cha?” It amazes me the number of times I hear this ringtone and turn around to see a less than attractive young woman fall under the temporary delusion that she is “all that” and smugly pull her phone out of her purse as if to say to the world, well, “Don’t cha?” But if you’ve downloaded this eardrum atrocity to your phone, there’s something you should know: If you’re a chick, chances are, you’re not hot. I don’t mean this as an insult, but the fact that there are significantly less hot chicks than drastically unhot ones does not put the odds in your favor. And the chances of you being hotter than anyone’s girlfriend are about as likely as Britney getting a clue, an abortion and a divorce.



So, please. For the love of fucking god. Keep the Kelly Clarkson hidden in your iPod and the phone on fucking vibrate. Or you might find some crazy blonde chick grabbing your phone and snapping that little pink “buy one, get one free” razor in two.

12 comments:

prozac_boo_ya said...

that shoe is just my size. i'm such a loser. what does the brazilian anthem as a ring tone mean?

and why am i not on that map?

Maulleigh said...

I take the 6 train to the Bronx at when the train hits the above ground, it sounds like an aviary with all the chirping and the noise.

Brickman said...

ummmm, why all the animosity towards ringtones, don't be a hater. The "ringtone" is a means of self-expression.....let the masses rep themselves with their ringtones.

Jaime Schwarz said...

Whatever happened to Jordache? I mean are they still in business? My agency just won the LA Gear account, so if they're still around, I guess anything's possible.

MetroDad said...

Holy shit, this is fucking brilliant. And as usual, I couldn't agree more. The only acceptable reason for having a ringtone is if you're a little schoolgirl. I was walking in Chelsea yesterday and I heard a phone belonging to some 40 year-old dude go off. The song? The GoGo's "We Got the Beat." Are you fucking kidding me?

El Padrino said...

That was entertaining...Ringtones are horrible.
Let's start a petition:

Phones ring not sing.

Signed, El Padrino

-L said...

Hilarious. You listed all my favorites. Although you forgot "Holla Back Girl" by Gwen Stefani. I'm pretty sure that's my trigger song a la Zoolander and "Relax."

The Stevo in H-Town said...

I wuz gonna try-n-think 'bout sumpthin' cute ta say but, GODDAMMIT...I AGREE WITHYA!!!..

Watchin'/listenin' to people talk onda sumbitches iz bad enuff without havin' 'em announce it with some lame-ass anthem..

copyranter said...

my art director has a choo-choo train ring tone. I actually like it. it is the only one I've ever liked.

concha said...

wow. you like something?

Anonymous said...

Excellent stuff Concha. I fucking hate ring tones too. But which is worse, the ring tones or the phones that can play music like an ipod/radio?
I can't wait until you can download porn onto your phone and watch it on the subway. Or maybe you can already?

concha said...

you can with a video iPod. (not that i do this sort of thing)