Saturday, August 26, 2006

Just who do you think you are?

Yoo-hoo, all! It’s me, again. The Anonymous Commenter! And that’s Mrs. Anonymous to you, missy. I been married to the same man for 18 years and that’s somethin’ to be respe’ted! Anyway, it’s a brand new day and as usual I’ve got nothing to do, so I thought I’d pop up to say howdy.

If you were wondering what that big, loud scratching noise was before, that was me crawling out from the big Midwestern rock I live under. I can’t fit my used Dell under there (let alone my ass- HAHA!) so I gotta climb out to do my daily blogroll.

Ahh, let’s start the rounds. Oh, HEHEHE! HAHAHA! WHOOWHOOWHOO! That Waiterrant has done it again. Such a nice young man. Always gets me in a pickle. Ok, what’s next? Oh…Oh my. What the …Jimminy Christmas! This is just terrible! How dare this snobbish little pooterbag make fun of… How can they sit here and say these things on the Internet??? I mean, the nerve! Don’t they know there’s only six or seven sites I read? How can they force me to listen to this? And their blog is just like this day after day. And it never changes! Don’t they think about me? What I want to hear? What happened to writing for your audience? That’s something Mrs. Wiesenburg taught me in fifth grade grammar class and I ain’t never forget! But every day they just go ahead and say something I don’t agree with and, I’ll tell ya, I’m cotton pickin’ mad! I think it’s time for Mrs. Anonymous to get the old soapbox again, and show ‘em who’s the real boss of their blog!

Just because you think you’re some big city slicker in Los Angeles or San Francisco (they’re all the same to me I don’t check profiles anyway) does not mean you have the right to put up your opinions and your fancy humor for us all to read! I mean who do you think you are! Instead of spending the whole day polutin’ the internet with your bitter little stories, why don’t you go out and get a job every other good American? Yes, missy. Hard work is what I’m talkin’ about. Like my husband, bless his soul, who works like an ox. Even on Fridays and Saturday nights! Sometimes he works so hard he doesn’t even come home! But that’s ok. Cause I got a date with my Dell every night. So why don’t you write something we wanna hear for a change? And for your information, it’s not “an stupid idiot.” It’s A stupid idiot.” Looks like somebody was doin’ a little snoozin’ in fifth grade grammar class!

But not me, nosiree! I had almost perfect attendance. I only missed that one day when they went over irony! Whatever that is.

Well, I think that’s enough sopaboxin’ for one day. Besides, I don’t hate all blogs. I mean, who can deny that Stephanie Klein is probably the most brilliant writer since Jackie Collins? And boo on Gawker for posting those mean, mean comments about Kitty Can Scratch. Boo pooty toot poop. That bright child is a real inspiration for women like me. And she can too write. I mean, I tried to write a couple of times; like this one time when I was really mad cause my poodle Daisy Lips ate my brand new pair of pleather Aldos! But, gosh! It was harder than when I tried to give up Bon Bons!

I’m telling you, that young lady has a gift. And just cause I don’t have any talent, doesn’t mean I can’t sniff it out like onion dip at a community center gathering. So you can just take your snarkiness and put it in your pootoodle!

What’s that you ask? Uh, what’s my name? You mean my name? Well, I er, I…Ooop. Gotta run. Who’s the Boss reruns are on! And ooo boy, that Tony’s sure a looker! Toodles!

13 comments:

angelina said...

Oh, oh no you didn't!! (but thank little precious mother lovin' baby Jesus you did)...

Kat said...

The real Gawker editors are actually on vacation this week, so it was the second string who posted that bitchtastic link. Which isn't surprising, considering that not only was it uncharacteristically mean, but the usual editors would have approached the subject in a much cleverer way. There's a difference between being snarky and being downright mean.

But thank you :-).

Dan said...

Uhm...kat. Yeah...um. I can't tell if you're being sarcastic back. Or if you just didn't read the whole post here. Go back and read that 6th paragraph carefully.

Really, i'm baffled here.

Unless of course you're only serious in not thanking her for being as cold as we all know Concha is capable of being.

Oh. And to anonymous from the previous post. Please refer to her as a Valley Girl Wanna Be Bitch from now on. That is the prefered term.

concha said...

oh dan, that name is so amsterdam-two-years-ago. i would think i could expect more from you. i guess spending a year working on match.com has really snuffed out your ability to reinvent insults. suks to be you.

Slinky Redfoot said...

She loves well done Onion Rings. You love Onion ring dip. You guys are closer than you presume.

Kat said...

Yes, Dan, I can pick up sarcasm. But thanks for the tutorial!

Dan said...

woo...awesome. I could not tell. Which in some ways is a complement. I think.

It's still so much easier to be mean to people in person. This blogosomethingsomething, just makes things complicated. Everyone: go to a sleazy bar tonight, start slinging insults at random people or loved ones, it really doesn't matter. Then write about the experience. So much easier than picking a fight online. And you're bound to get a resolution.

Jaime Schwarz said...

why does dan have no pants?

pinknest said...

this reminds me of the people who were once protesting outside my office. they were touting peoria over paris. whaaaa?

Anonymous said...

Actually, Kat, Blogorrhea has been only written by me since February.

'Intern', 'second-string', whatever you want to call it. I still write for them. Sorry to burst your pretty pink bubble there.

heather said...

and i didn't mean to post that last comment anonymously. i'm not smart enough to be that ironic.

DP said...

hilarious. nice one, conch!

Maulleigh said...

You're giving her power: Ellsworth Toohey would never even look in her direction.

check and approve all your comments before they go up.