Tuesday, June 27, 2006

catharsis

(and now concha gets angry)

I don’t know how you grew up. And frankly, I don’t care. But let me tell you about how I grew up. I grew up in a place where shopping for groceries didn’t invoke homicidal feelings. I grew up knowing if the loudspeaker announced “Cleanup on isle 3” Someone went to mutherfuking isle three and started moppin'! I grew up not having to ask myself, “Will there be a prize in my Cracker Jacks, or perhaps a FUCKING DEAD RAT?” Cause I grew up with Publix, where shopping WAS a mutherfuking PLEASURE.

Then I saw this. The fucking entrance to fucking hell, my brethren.

Maybe their lawyers (stupid mutherfukers who think they can actually defend this place) call it Gristedes. But for the rest of you, you better fucking call is what it is. The nasty, fatty, artery-clogging, heart attack causing, excrement of fucking pig lard, lubricant between the sweaty cellulitey thighs of fat chicks: Grease. Fucking Greasy’s!

Here is a picture of the fucking piece of shit Greasy’s by my apartment. See how the sky is all ugly and gray? That’s cause it just realized that it’s the part of the sky hovering over Greasy’s, and it’s about to ball like a fucking constipated baby who’s fortune teller just told him that he’s gonna grow up to be nothing in life but a fat piece of shit mutherfuking Greasy’s employee!



The other night I was in fucking Greasy’ s trying to buy some dinner to end my pathetic day, when the stupid baby who grew up to be a fucking Greasy’s cashier started talking to me.

“You know what?”

No. I don’t know what. And I don’t fucking care.

“I was laying in bed next to this girl last night and I told her, ‘I think I’m in love wit chu.’"

Thank you. Now I have a naked fat man picture in my head. There went my fucking appetite. And by the way…why are you telling me this?

He fucking continued.

“So she rolls over and says, ‘Steve, what you talking about? We just havin’ fun, Steve.’ And I was like, ‘But really, I think I’m in love wit chu. I’m tryin’ to take it to the next level.’ And she was like, ‘Don’t be stupid, Steve.’”

First of all, telling a fucking Greasy’s employee not to be stupid is like telling a fucking emo to cut his bangs. Because one day this idiot woke up and decided, despite all the fucking fungus free grocery stores out there, he wanted to work at FUCKING GREASY’S. OF COURSE HE’S FUCKING STUPID.

FURTHERFUCKINGMORE, If I fucking had anything that resembled sexual relations with a fucking Greasy’s employee, it had better be because I had fucking IVs of GHB in all six thousand of my veins, regaining consciousness only because the fat fuck ripped them all out. And when I came to, and discovered I’d just been (eww, gross, gross, gross!) fondling a Greasy member, I’d say the same thing. And by the same thing I mean, “Put the IVs back in and get the fuck out of my house YOU FAT STUPID GREASY’S EMPLOYYEE!”

This is the fucking stupid door to get into Greasy’s.
(Note: none of these pictures fully capture Greasy’s grease in full glory. Much more acned in person. Much.) Most automatic doors do what they’re supposed to do and open when you step on the mat. But not this fucking door. Step on the mat here and it will say. “Oh, shit. Do I really have to stop eating cheetoes and get off my fat fucking ass to open the door for you. Goddamn fucking customers!” And then you will hear lots of creaking, which is actually the sound of it scratching its fat fucking lazy ass while it opens the door for you.

More grease.

I'm so fucking glad they could get off their fat greasy asses to clean up this germ infested half finished soda can left in the spice rack.


Uh, yeah. That would be dried mud on that beer bottle.



Gee. I was looking all over for the maxi pads. There they are! Silly me, I should've known they would be next to the Jolly Green Giant. Great organization, ass wipes.



This would be the way the genius custodial staff decided to fix the leaky seafood shelves. Really works up your appetite for tuna.

Seriously. With the way this place can ruin appetites, there's no need to buy Lean Cuisine.

AHGHG. I hate fucking Greasy’s!

Believe it or not, once in a while they do make lame attempts to mop up the constant dripping grease of this place. One time I actually saw a fucking Greasy’s employee cleaning the floor. Unfortunately the ramen section was hovering above the part of floor he just mopped. So I had to gingerly step over it. But when I did, the fucking piece of shit grease cleaner shouted out, “You fucking stupid bitch! Fucking walking on my clean floor you fucking stupid bitch!” And this was all in earshot of the manager. But did he threaten to call corporate? Run to me and apologize on behalf of his delinquent employee who would surely be facing some kind of immediate punishment? Offer to comp my Ore-Idas? No. He fucking only grunted and went back to licking the grease out of the corners of his register.

I suppose you may suggest that I do something like stop going to Greasy’s. “They just opened a Trader Joe’s in Union Square, Concha. Why don’t you try that?” To which I’ll answer, “Exactly. It’s in Union fucking Square and I’m not about to ride down the whole green line just cause I ran out of fucking Pot Noodle!” I say we all go to every Greasy’s and dump buckets and buckets of Dawn on them, since it takes “grease out of your way” and all. Only then might we be able to rid the world of this artery clogger, and buy our Pot Noodle in peace.

32 comments:

prozac popping daddy world champ said...

dill weed and pot noodle. nectar and ambrosia.

Evil Discussor said...

Concha, do not shop at Crustede's. It's far too dangerous. Plus, it's hard to pay for your groceries when there's a homeless man sleeping on the conveyor belt.

RBrown said...

Publix. What a breath of fresh air. Trader Joe's. A slice of heaven. Even the Piggly Wiggly would be a welcome respite from this nasty shithole.

But what I really wish for you, dear Concha, is a good, healthy dose of clean, yet overpriced Harris Teeter. If I had to look at that nasty shit-stye Greasy's every day I'd be chomping at the bit for my southern days of paying $10 a pack for harris teeter maxi pads located conveniently...in the MAXI PAD AISLE. HelllOOOOOOOOO! I cannot even believe this place.

Please, Conch, from one southern girl to another, you deserve more, no matter how poor you are or how close this place is. You've got standards. And they don't involve sopping up water with neighborhood weeklies printed in a foreign language.

Anonymous said...

i know you have a much better vocabulary then fuck fuck fuck.
Fuck i have better vocabulary than that and i'm a beaner.

Few observations: Nobody ever wants to work at a greasy market, They HAVE TOO!!! and also, stop taking shit from people, if a fucking greasy emplee shouts shit at you, you shout them back and FUCKING LOUDER.

Where is the sobe attitude, baby?

-Super

concha said...

perhaps. but i felt the tourettes-like language best captured my frustrated mood as i walk through the worst place in all of nyc. fukity fuk fuk fuuuk!

Make the logo bigger said...

Damn, after that tirade, somewhere Sam Jackson’s ears are redder than the wine Michael Jackson gives kids.


"Grease’s employee not to be stupid is like telling a fucking emo to cut his bangs."

Priceless.

I went to Publix once in FL. Holy shit. They pushed the cart with the fucking groceries out to the car for you. I waved the guy off, but they were like, no problem sir. Sir? WTF? I looked around for a camera, I thought it was a gag or something.

copyranter said...

Even the NYU Greasy's is greasy. and THAT auto door is the most annoying in the City, I dare suppose.

Anonymous said...

I recognize this shit hole--it's the one on York and 86th, right? We call it the ghetto Gristede's and it's notorious for being a leaky, stinking, filthy fucking mess. I've actually e-mailed the corporation about how disgusting the place is and how useless the manager and staff are.

Head over one block to C-Town, Food Emporium or the much cleaner Gristede's on 86th and First.

jhg said...

By all means, if you think Gristedes is bad, stay AWAY from Western Beef stores. Wow.

guillo said...

Greesee's blows ass hair buckets.

concha said...

clare's ass hair?

Anonymous said...

I agree: Greasy's, or as I call it "Gross-tede's," is vile. In fact I think I hate it even more than you do; I am now completely unwilling to set foot in that place; I ride myself over to Whole Foods-- it's worth it not to have to worry that a mouse has eaten a hole in the bag my baguette came in (I actually saw this once in G-sgusting). And it's not like their prices are any cheaper either.

Anonymous said...

If your Gristede's is anything like mine, you forgot to mention the filth all over their shopping baskets and carts. I remember three years ago when they cleaned them the week before Thanksgiving. That's the only time they clean in my Gristede's. And let's not forget the expired products on the shelf. Mine's on 88th and Lex. What a dump.

Maulleigh said...

The Gristedes in my neighborhood was GHETTO to the core! Anemic sandwiches. Who buys those?

You should try www.yelp.com

I love it!

Anonymous said...

Ugh 86th and York? Funny looks exactly like the crack Gristedes on Columbus and 84th--well except that there isn't a photo of the weeks garbage piled up in the corner between the crystal light, dead rats, and crackers.

Anonymous said...

Who you should really target your venom on is John Catsimadis, the scummy bodega baron owner of Gristedes. This guy actually has aspirations to be NYC's next mayor! Can you imagine what type of city this would be if it were run by the owner of "Greasy's" ? Now that's something to gross you out!!!!

Anonymous said...

You're a copywriter? Whoa.

Anonymous said...

Please add this to your rant list:

D'Agostino, corner of Broadway and W. 110th St.) The Meanest. Employees. Ever.

(Yes, even meaner than Duane Reade's.)

Anonymous said...

True story:

I once went to a Grosstede's in Chelsea to buy a bar of baker's chocolate. When I picked it up, I realized it was only half a bar of baking chocolate, and that clinging to it were the fossilized turds of the mice who'd eaten the other half.

Anonymous said...

Darling, you capture my feelings toward Greasy's/Grosstedes exactly, except for me the trigger is less the filth than the unutterable incompetence of the management and the employees. Brava my dear!

concha said...

it's good to know i'm not alone in my crazed hatred.

DP said...

That's pretty sketchy, Concha. Doesn't Walgreens sell groceries?

Anonymous said...

do you like saying "fuck" more or less than hating fat people?

concha said...

more. since i don't hate fat people. i only hate greasy's and those employed there. but after that my hate is non discriminatory. i hate them all. fat, skinny, stupid or handsome.


but i loves me some anonymous commentors who take things way out of context and lack the ability to understand tone. it’s almost as cool as the balls they lack by remaining anon.

Yang said...

I loved your tone. It captured the essence of how I feel every time I pass by, or god forbid, walk into a fucking nasty greasy ass gristedes, filled with fucking crying babies, greasy fucking floors, fucking rotting produce (I kid you not---25th and 8th), and the crazy fucking employees.

I once saw a cashier eating a bag of chips---and then ring bitches up. Don't touch my fucking money, I'm going to Key Foods.

Jaime Schwarz said...

I love how somehow it came back to Clare's ass hair.

crazyvirgo said...

gristedes. say it fast and it sounds like "greased titties." heheheheh

concha said...

hehehehe! it does, it does!

pinknest said...

Vile vile vile!!! I know exactly how you feel about the despicable state of supermarkets in nyc. i grew up with giant and immaculately clean and beautiful grocery stores and seeing the cesspools here (and i always seem to have to go to at least 3) have been the bane of my existence.

Anonymous said...

What A GOBSHITE you are !
Get A Life, Concha . . . . . .
You Dim Shit !

The Main Man said...

I Love this store . . . .
Pity you're such a Jed !
The staff are so cool.
You must be a real Minger, Concha-muncher. Got No periff's ?
Pot Noodle is gross . . . .
but I've got taste ?
Go The Village !

Ami Vider said...

Lots of interest in urban shops. Amazing how shop keepers think of all kind of ways to make excuses for dumps ~ than again so do landlords and city officials :( :(

Like your writing - flows and moves - good going -- I don't write like you but if you want a glimpse of a totally different city - Tel Aviv: http://israeltomorrow.blogspot.com
Stories from another city, Tel Avivian's admire New York to mythical levels (don't ask me why)