Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Wee Wee Wee, all the Way Home

Two months ago, I became the lucky lessee of what I’m convinced is the greatest apartment in the world. Your first few shoe boxes in New York can make any space that’s slightly more sophisticated than a freshman dorm room seem worthy of giving Robin Leach call. And I might, just as soon as I finish painting my kitchen, hanging curtains, and my new favorite hobby, using the power drill.

Upon, my first cathartic thrust into the plastered wall, I was overcome with envy. This must be one of the reasons guys love their dicks. So powerful. So liberating. Plus the entire world is your personal toilet – the bottom half of an oyster shell whose very cupped nature exists for your convenience.

Thanks to an ad in my Gmail a few days ago, I discovered that there is a product determined to erase one of my jealousies for good. Ladies, behold, the Shewee – the portable urinating device for women.

The Shewee is basically a plastic cup attached to a funnel, designed to make the often awkward process of unzipping and squatting as easy as it is say, for a guy. No more uncomfortable hovering or removal of the underpants. With the Shewee, answering the call of nature is as easy as, “securing the device to your crotch,” with "panties pushed to one side," (this order still puzzles me) and, “aiming at a convenient tree!” The ad I saw in my Gmail suggested giving it as a gift, creating new meaning to the Song “Dick in a Box.”

When to Shewee

The website offers examples of women who can benefit from a plastic urine funnel.

So many women, the site claims, can benefit from using the Shewee. From walkers, to landscape architects to bird watchers, there’s not a lifestyle or hobby that the Shewee can’t accommodate.

When camping, it says, “no more cold bottoms. You can Shewee right inside your tent!” I hope I speak for all ladies with a resounding WTF??? This behavior may be perfectly acceptable to the gender born with the Shewee built right in, but if one of my girlfriends friends woke up in the middle of the night in our tent, pulled out a plastic funnel and pushed aside the crotch of her panties, I’d kick her bottom outside in the cold for the rest of the night, and probably the rest of the camping trip altogether.

If traffic is moving slower than the coffee to your bladder, they suggest using the Shewee, “standing up on the grass verge - just turn your back to the jam and your dignity is maintained.” Because there’s nothing un-dignifying about stopping your car during rush hour, walking to the side of the road, fondling around your privates, pushing aside the crotch of your panties, and placing a small plastic urine funnel up to your hoo-ha in view of the passing, honking traffic – as long as your back is turned. Probably something to keep in mind when the urge to masturbate ever springs up behind the wheel, if that’s your thing.

It also suggests that hang gliders should use the Shewee, but offers no reasons why. My imagination suggests that a hang glider and a Shewee adds up to 100% chance of afternoon showers.

The list labeled for the “less mobile” is admittedly more sad. Proving that women recovering from surgery to the incontinent to the bedridden are not immune to ridiculous marketing.

It even attests that the Shewee is as much of a handbag essential as your mobile phone. I don’t know about you, but when I’m on the side of the road with a flat tire, “I sure wish my vagina had better aim” is really the last thing I’m thinking. However, having a Shewee would make drunk dialing interesting, especially to any nearby observers lucky enough to witness me try to make a booty call with a plastic, urine smelling funnel.

Finally, when the website offered a “Tip! Practise with Shewee in the shower to find the best position for you,” I kinda just Sheweed all over myself.

The future of Shewee

Since they already have a website, I think the next advertising foray the Sheweeres should jump into is the infomercial world. I can just imagine the beginning, where we’ll see black and white shots of otherwise housebroken women struggling with the call of nature. One woman might open up a public bathroom stall, shaking her head at it’s sprinkled and toilet paper covered seat. Another may look at a nurse with horror as she hands her a sample cup in the doctor’s office. “Such a small opening had to have been invented by a man!” And of course there’s the inevitable scene outdoors, where our bladder burst woman shakes her head at the camera as it pans down to reveal her urine soaked trousers and failed attempts to hit a tree’s bulls eye. Then the screen suddenly becomes colored when the Shewee debuts, as women exuberantly jump through prairies and fields, liberated from the old ball n’ chain they call a vagina. Baby, you’ve come a long way. An entire plastic funnel long to be exact.

You and I may wee, but we all Shewee!

These are the troubles born to the dickless – along with lower than average pay and the chance you might wake up one morning with another human in your stomach. But as I shudder to think how the makers of Shewee would try to remedy these sorts of problems, I'm quite happy squatting outside my camping tent. Both genders have their pros and cons, but mine was born with the from-experience-empathy to ridicule such a device. And if ever a day comes where the grass seems greener, I can always find something new to hang on my wall, and live vicariously through my power drill.


Anonymous said...

is there a hands-free version? i just wanna spell my name in the snow with fists of victory high in the air.

concha said...

you mean Shewee 2.0 aka Shewee Freedom?

it's basically the same model but it comes with a stick of crazy glue, so you never have to worry about putting your Shewee on, or taking it off again.

meganificent said...

unfortunately they don't make it in animal prints... otherwise i'd have one in my purse, one in my drawer and one in the 'secrets' box next to my bed.

Stanley Lumax said...

Concha, you are BACK. ROCK ON

Nelson said...

The Lady J came first, I think.

Link said...

Justin said...

Could be great for gusher porn.