Monday, January 19, 2009

Thank You, Bloomingdales

No, really. Let me express my utmost gratitude for giving me something to blog about, when we are hearing almost nothing from Satan Palin.

Thank you for employing sales associates who don’t believe a little courtesy and halfway decent grammar should be included in that $300 price tag. A little civility might make me feel too comfortable to go home and bang on my keyboard to avoid finding myself swimming among the cesspool of completely worthless employees that currently make up your staff.

Thank you for completely ignoring the tastes of the New Yorkers who make up your city. Thank you for instead catering to the banality and substandard fashions of the suburban American tourists who only want to buy something utterly worthless like a Coach keychain or pair of fucking argyles, so they can go back to fucking Akron and boast its purchase from your flagship store. Because the next time I have a momentary lapse in reason and decide to cross the East River, I’ll save myself a hell of a lot of time by remembering this motto: If Brooklyn doesn’t have it, THEY DON’T MAKE IT.

nothing quite says i'm a douchey girl, like this piece of garbage

And finally, thank you for completely underestimating about a third of my gender’s intelligence with displays like this.

Because the next time I start chastising myself for not being a size –87, I’ll remember that anyone who tries to live up to the ridiculous example you set, has a brain size about as big as the jeans snuggled around these unrealistic, plastic asses.

May the economy heap burning coals of bankruptcy upon your head.

no, fuck you!

By the way, Bloomingdales, Bloomies, Vomit, whatever fucking stupid name you're calling yourself these days, this is a display in a store called Future Perfect, a store whose coolness you will never reach, you utterly average, waste of precious New York real estate.

1 comment:

EliciaOrvaBG said...

HAHA amazing post I must say!!

hi my name is elicia
im a brooklyn girl
size 5
and i have never shopped at bloomingdales
and i feel fucking great about it because i think of all the barbeque ribs and heinekens ill be enjoying instead of walking around with some lame keychain or black and white handbag that have the initials CC on them ... there cant be thatttttttt many people with those initials ... idiots

ps. Future Perfect ... Berry and N6th (about a 1/4 of a block away from Zablowski's the greatest bar with normal human prices minus pretentious hipsters so don't even start with that bullshit manhattan)