Tuesday, December 27, 2005

happy pretend new year

Jesus may be the reason for a lot of people’s seasons. I’ve seen enough of those stickers on the lapels of stupid beaming church housewives to get it. But the holidays get me pumped for other reasons. Given that I’m a girl, I’ve worked in the service industry for years, and I’m still young enough that my family doesn’t expect me to bring alcohol yet, the holidays mean a lot of free drinking.

But my mom and step dad choose to be a little different from the rest of us. Why? Well, many reasons, but one being that they choose not to drink. Fine. A lot of people chose to do this. But not only do they avoid alcohol, but they feel the need to pollute the world with endless sanctimonious bullshit about why an innocent glass of cabernet is part of Satan’s evil plan to poison the sinners who choose to indulge. I mean, it’s red, the devil is red, hello, could there be a more obvious parallel?

But while on new years eve I’ll be working in my club and guzzling free champagne , she and joe the step weirdo, will do what they do every year. Which is sit alone in their bedroom (surprise, they have no friends) and toast the ball drop with this.

Sparkling cider. The non-alcoholic alternative.




The most famous sparkling cider seems to be a brand called Martinelli’s. On their website they call it “The ideal festive juice perfect for the whole family.” So, for the younger kids who wanna toast with mom and dad, it’s kinda cute. But when two adults drink it on new years, huddled in their bedroom by themselves it’s, for lack of a better term, fucking weird. Isn’t this "pretend drinking?" Aren’t they flirting with the very thing they warn against? "Oooo, look at us…he he he, we’re having some pretend champagne." Just like children spread out tea sets to have a, hehe, pretend party, or play doctor to do some, hehe, pretend fucking. After they finish the bottle do they pretend to be drunk? Do they talk in pretend slurs? Do they get into a pretend fight and wake up the next day, (and do like a lot of girls) pretend to forget what happened?

And the most mind-boggling thing about it: the stuff tastes like absolute garbage. I bet most of us will agree that when we took our first sips of alcohol, we checked to make sure we hadn’t mistaken that beer can for battery acid. Yeah, it was gross. But then all the sudden it was all so warm and fuzzy and it felt real good with that boy’s hand up our tube top. The initial sacrifice had its reward. But there is no reward for these people. And frankly I don’t think anyone over the age of twelve who thinks its normal to pretend drink should be rewarded with anything than a mouthful of merciless payback for the years of preaching they impose on me and my fellow alcoholics.

As for me, on new years I’ll be drinking for real in my club. And while the two of them pretend to pass out, I’ll be busy counting my tips in my manager's officer, pretending to be sober.

14 comments:

Courious Grown Kid said...

Hey concha!
You might wonder, but Jesus was also called a "gorger and wineguzzler", because he knew how to feast with them underdogs or even with the extraordenary rich. It is so sad, that so many people who try to live a "proper" life to avoid doing "bad things" have a missionary attidute towards those "non-believers". For me it is a hidden pride in being "better" than all "those others"... This is so repellent (I feel this so...and not only me...). I sense that this is the opposite to what those people want to achieve...sad, sad...

The American projection of Jesus sometimes seems to me a bit different to the one that really existed...

But anyway...

Thanks again for going on with your observative and well written blog.

concha said...

danke! and yes, i'm well aware of all this. welcome to the first 18 years of my life.

melvin said...

have no idea what courious grown kid is mumbling about..but as long as you do concha..its cool.

anyways...love the photo-op. did you actually buy a bottle of apple-cider champagne specifically for this blog. that is real dedication!

Jaime Schwarz said...

I guess your mom's translation of the bible has Jesus turning water into sparkling apple cider. Hey, weirder things have been mistranslated and wars have been fought over those differing translations. So in that perspective, it ain't so bad. Have fun at your club!

Paul said...

I support any and all drinking and debouchery you want to take part in tonight, and the rest of January.

But after January, it must all stop.

Happy New year.

The Platypus said...

If you were any kind of daughter you'd introduce your mother and step-weirdo to crack.

Happy new Year,

RBrown said...

Dude, didn't Jesus turn water into wine? HELLO, people, is this NOT an invitation to drink like a fucking fish?? Could the Man have been any clearer? WATER IS A WASTE OF TIME - DRINK THE WINE, MY CHILDREN!

DP said...

I think RBrown has a point. It's like God gave you the green light, folks. Go! Drink! Go!

prozac popper said...

hum. how did i end up in this blog? wow, the internet is fantastic. and you still can write...

wow.

concha said...

hm...may i ask who this is?

prozac popper said...

you may.

concha said...

who the fuck is this?

prozac popper said...

i'd rather remain anonymous and appreciate your writing and views from the outside. i shouldn't have said anything in the first place, but kudos were becoming.

i guess it's back to the hole i crawled out of. oh man, i live in a hole...

concha said...

ok. have it your way. enjoy my rambles.