Wednesday, December 14, 2005

it's been so long...so sorry

“So I paid some guy to fuck me last night.”

Standing in front of the mirror putting on makeup inside the club dressing room, I almost smeared my eye-liner across my face. The cosmetic equivalent of a record scratching.

“You did what?” another one of the girls asked.

“I went on this website and they have these guys there that you pay to come over your house for a few hours.”

“And he just came over and fucked you?”

“Yeah. I mean, why would I waste time going to a club to meet some guy? I spend money doing that anyway. And these guys know how to fuck, you know. They have big dick. They give you massage. You think some guy I meet in club is gonna do that?”

And to my complete disbelief, the entire staff of girls sat there and agreed. They asked her more questions. They commended her logic. They asked her for the website in plans of doing THE VERY SAME THING.

“But, honey,” one said, lowering her. “I wouldn’t tell anyone else around here.”

“Why?” She asked, dumbfounded. Her foreign accent making her sound exceptionally stupid.

“Cause, some people might not understand. There’re some ignorant people here.”

And by ignorant, I’m sure she meant me.

Like most nights, I wasn’t participating in their conversation. Just like they’re not gonna be able to keep up with one of our covos about Bogusky’s biggest blunder, my US Weekly reading hasn’t ever been exactly up to date. So forgive me if I can’t comment on the pros and cons of Britney be-dazzling her ass with Swavorski crystals. So while they talked, I sat in the same room secretly oh my godding in my head. Call me suburban raised but… a girl. Paying. For sex. If it’s ignorant of me to think this way then perhaps my morals do hail from the Midwest.

I suppose in my fuck-being-a-housewife mentality, I should commend her for her male-like attitude. If guys can pay for sex, why can’t girls? Like she said. She wanted to get laid, but didn’t want to waste time going to a club. Furthermore, these people are professionals. They “know how to fuck.” It’s a job to do and they do it right. If your sink is clogged you’re not gonna call a copywrtiter. (Even though, girls, I’m sure we’ve all had clogged sinks a few times in our lives and have mistakenly called an ad guy to come over and not know what the hell he was doing.) But forgive me for not wanting to be a job. Or it never even crossing my mind that gigoloing it was an option. In fact, I don’t even think highly of a guy paying for sex. When we saw that mug shot of Hugh Grant after his concubinal encounter, did we think, “I don’t understand the fact that he resorted to picking up a hooker. I should brush up on my civil rights and be more understanding.” No. We thought, “Oh my God. Why did a famous guy resort to this? Underneath his Prada, HE MUST BE A FUCKING LOSER.”

Loserness is not gender specific. And paying to get fucked is one of the most vile, pathetic things you can do no matter what your gender. So call me biased, ignorant, or whatever you want. But I still prefer to get my fucking for free.

Even if it’s from a Puerto Rican.

12 comments:

Jaime Schwarz said...

Is it still fucking for free when you get some and then he steals your money? Remember, he IS a Puerto Rican.

DP said...

I agree. I want my dicks for free. I think these chicks are confusing equal rights to men with being whores. Now take Samantha from our cherished Sex in the City . She's highly fuckable. The guys she fucks are highly fuckable. Would she ever PAY for a fuck? Hell no (unless I missed that episode). Is she a whore? I don't think so. I think she's very comfortable with her sexuality and she's expressing it 7 nights a week (yeah, I know she's fictional!)

Personally, I'd rather spend the money on a state-of-the-art vibrator. It's ready to go when I am and I don't have to tip.

concha said...

how does the song go...? money for nothing ....

RBrown said...

Not only are these girls STUPID but they're also FUCKING LAZY. I mean, if it comes down to basic needs, we all know we can pretty much walk outside the door, snap our fingers and get it for free. HELLO - we're GIRRRLSSS. They're called BOOBS, people. Who would pay? You don't need to go to a club, sweetie. Shake what ya mama gave you, smile, twist your hair and invite him up.

Deeps, I'm with you. I'd rather be a whore to a state of the art, one-time -$90-fee vibrator than some disease-ridden freak from a web site. You never have to kick the vibrator out in the morning. You know it won't call and that there won't be any cuddling involved and you're cool with that. You don't wonder who else the vibrator's been with. And if you so choose, the vibrator can arrive at your door in a plain, brown box bearing no logos.
The vibrator's your bitch.

Concha, it'd make me so happy if you'd bust that out on them next time. Blow their minds. They'll think you're the freak for being pro-vibrator, anti-pay-for-sex. Even better: Tell them you paid matt damon to go down on you! Come on! It'll be funny!

concha said...

you know...ive never actually used a vibrator.

Shopping Diva said...

Ya know, I am not a gorgeous girl. I am actually a little plain. But I can go out in sweats and smelling bad and get laid! By someone hot. I don't get it. Yew! From a website! The midwest is coming out of me, too. No pun intended.

Jaime Schwarz said...

I'm getting deja vu from 10th grade french when one day the other guy in the class was sick and you know how I can be a wallflower sometimes so all 7 girls and the female teacher all started talking about their boobs for some reason and checking each other out and I just sat back in amazement "am I really hearing this? do they know I'm in the room?" I kinda feel like that here. Go on ladies, keep talkin' 'bout the 'braters.

And PS - It's so true, I hate you all, and your feminie hypnotic powers. Why can't guys have that for a change?

PPS - my word verficition was "boobual"

concha said...

the thing is...this girl is really attractive. and she has that super slutty vibe which i heard does wonders for the one-nighters....

a.k.a suck it said...

lmao boricua in the House! This was awesome I have 2 agree with u on this one.... I rather get my some some 4 FREE from who I am with 4 sure then 2 pay for it. plus we have the CULO or TITI power we could just hypnotize a man if u know how 2 work it!
Paying 4 it.... what the hell is that!!!! that's the bottom of the bottom. at least 4 a girl.

crazyvirgo said...

holla!!!!!!!

and p.s. girl - get ya self a rabbit. for the love!

Anonymous said...

I hear you on the girls paying for free thing. Pretty lame. Tell her I will fuck her for free next time. However, you did knock guys for doind it. Is it considered fucking for "free" when a guy has to spend an evening of buying dinner, drinks, and other random useless shit just to get there? Also, men don't pay for sex, they pay for the bitch to shut the fuck up and get out of there when we're done.

By the way, people who use numbers in place of letters should ponder their laziness while sitting on train tracks blinfolded with headphones on. 4 real.

concha said...

i know, i know. the classic argument. guy buys the drinks that buy the pussy. ultimately everything has it's price.

"the pay the bitch to shut the fuck up and get out of there..." hahahaha. love it.