Christmas is complete. The stockings so carefully hung by the chimney have spilled out goodies galore. And while the kids fight over the controls of their new Wiis, a significantly less innocent scene is taking place up north. Twelve reindeer stand still hitched to their sleigh, just outside of a front door swinging back and forth in the North Pole Wind. For Mr. Claus was still too fucked up to remember that, as his wife nags every night, “This isn’t a barn!” A trail of patent leather boots, socks, a over-sized belt and various red winter gear leads to his bedroom, where Santa lays on his bed, starring at the ceiling, a chest that thuds hard enough to even make his belly shake. An open bottle of Tylenol PM, Xanax and several empty liquor bottles litter the scene. At its center is a cherry red nose caked in slowly hardening snot, mixed with the same white devil that blankets his entire neighborhood. For, my friends, it is my theory that the North Pole is blanketed in not snow, but blow.
Right now you could quite possibly be horrified by this apparent blaspheme of an xmas fable you’ve hung by the chimney of your traditions with care, but I do believe a quick examination of the evidence will have you chiming in with unrelenting agreement, when I call Santa Claus the greatest crackhead of all.
First off, there are obvious points, like “How else could he get around the world in one night?” And if he sees you when you’re sleeping and awake, then clearly he’s up at all hours.
But to really drive this theory home, let’s examine his motives for jumping in the sleigh in the first place. Of course we’d like to all believe it’s the magic of Christmas that inspires Cracky-Claus to grant the wish of every girl and boy. But, please. When else would anyone get the idea to jump off their happy ass and voluntarily trek the entire the world delivering gifts to billions of children with otherwise perfectly capable present-buying parents unless they’re a continent deep in blow? You don’t have to sit through too many teeth chattering sessions until six am to know some pretty stupid ideas get tossed around the mirrored table. This also proves his little green shirted midget cronies are hitting the slopes with him. Because the fateful night Santa’a eyes got all wide with the big idea as he said, “Oh my god, you know what we should do?" only another crackhead would respond by jumping into a toy factory and start building spinning wooden tops.
And then there’s that poem. The one that should be called, ‘Twas the Night on a Bunch of Mutherfuckin’ Blow.
We all know how this one goes, Santa ends up in this rhyming dude’s living room with his reindeer and sack o’ crack.
His eyes-how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow.
‘Course he left out the part about dilated pupils, but otherwise the evidence is all over his beard.
”The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.”
Cocaine can also be freebased and smoked in a drug called crack.
”And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!”
Often in literature, poets employ a technique called metaphor. I don’t think it takes a degree in English, to decipher the true meaning lurking in these lines. Plus Santa, at least as modern marketing understands him, is quite the corpulent old soul. One who really should have trouble squeezing himself through a narrow smokestack. But what better way to shed a few emergency pounds that a quick ride on the white horse? It’s all night fuel and a chimney squeezing diet all in one.
And then who could forget some of the poem’s most famous lines of all:
"Now Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! On, Cupid! on, on Donner and Blitzen!”
Is it me or do those eight reindeer sound like they were renamed after the stage full of strippers? And where do cokeheads go when all the bars have closed but they’re not ready to face their angry Mrs. at home? Strip clubs. Sounds like Santa went and named his reindeer after his eight favorite whores of all time. And seeing as Santa hails from a continent covered in nose candy, I’m going to go out on a limb and assume he was a welcome customer.
ho ho ho!
But all Christmas Eves must come to an end. And it’s there we’ll find our Santa back at the north pole after his binge, in the blog’s opening scene, undoubtedly swearing off coke for the rest of his life. And to me, this is the biggest proof of all. Because, mhmmm. Yeah. “This was the last time I swear." I’ve heard that one before. See you next Christmas, crackhead.
oh...and there was this