Thursday, December 18, 2008

I'm Pretty Convinced that Cactuses are People, but Plants

Christopher Walken puts googly eyes on his cactuses.

“Cactuses have pricklers,” he explains. “They can stab you in your hands, in your face. And the only way to know where you stand with someone is by looking into their eyes, right?”

Right is mutherfuckin’ right. I’m on to you, Cactuses. I’m pretty much positive that you are people. Plant people.

Take a gander at the anatomy of your basic cactus:

Look how guilty this guy looks. He's come out with his hands up, like a busted drug dealer on an episode of Cops, Compton. Only instead of crack, this cactus was caught with a lie. A lie about his very existence. His people existence.

According to the most omniscient Wikipedia , Cactuses are spine plants. Hmmmm. Spine plants you say? Sea Sponges don’t have spines. But you know who has spines? Your vertebraed cousin People. Concha Libre may be a giant dumbass, but it doesn’t mean I can’t figure out the most obvious lie of all times stabbing me right in the face.

Take a look at these Cactuses who clearly cannot hide their very human fibers bursting from underneath their pricklers.

What's up, Cactus Club? Yeah, that's right. Get those hands up where we can see 'em.

Do bears have their own motels? Do seahorses? I think not, plantman.

Did somebody forget to hide their valentine from the real humans?

Bush's unfortunate influence on the plant people.

I found the cover of Perfect Ten Cactus Magazine.

What is this, Dance Party USPlantpeople????

What's up, Cactus. Copy the O Christo Redentor Statue much?

Yoda cactus people plant have.

Kids play outside, man. Put some fucking pants on, will you?

The cactus cheerleaders say, "Raa raa ree! We're people, I mean Plants...shit."

Looks like somecactus forgot to take his Valtrex...

I just hope the cactus people are more tolerant of gay parades than California.

Laugh it up, dickhead!

If this isn't proof, I don't know what is.

What are we to do with this news? Since the cactuses aren’t talking back and explaining (believe me, I’ve tried) I’m just going take The Man Who’s Very Scared of Plants’ advice: “A good rule of thumb is, don’t turn your back on a cactus.” Thanks, Christopher Walken. You are my favorite indoor gardener. To this I say, more cactus!

Gotta watch out for those ferns though.


mario rock said...

the cactus signage was actually a record store back in the day...not a club...

thought you might wanna know...

melissa said...

raise your hand if you sure! cactus are people!

Slinky Redfoot said...

where do you buy your peyote?

concha said...


it is nice to see you're back to stalking me in '09. don't worry, most people fail on their resolutions, sooner or later.