On the subway. In my fucking way in a grocery isle. Queing up just to make me wait an extra 30 minutes to buy a fucking thing of OJ. Clogging the very narrow middle of the bus so I can’t barely breath. Chinese, prolific and touring. The terror of the year coming to a theater near you.
You know what they are? They’re People.
Don’t give me this “I’m a person. I have thoughts and feelings, a family and friends just like you.” No you don’t. You’re not a person. You’re People. You’re in my way. I want you to get out of my way. And stop trying to convince me that you’re anything other than vile, isle clogging, coughing into my airspace People.
People can’t make up their mind. They zig and zag down the sidewalk blocking you every time you try to pass them. If they’re walking toward you, when you try to move out of their path, they move the same way. Then they say things like, “Wanna dance?” and think that it’s funny. No it’s not funny. People are not funny. They’re People.
People are the reason you’re late to work. People are the reason the subway breaks down. People are the reason there’s no sour cream left in the grocery store. People talk with thick Staton Island accents and grab your ass while you’re in the club. People ask questions like “Whatcha readin’?” while you’re on the airplane. Even though you’re clearly burying your nose in a book to avoid conversation with People!
People say things like “Mami!” And “Do you have the time?” And “Does this train go uptown?” Even though THERE’S A SIGN ABOVE THEIR HEADS THAT CLEARLY STATES THE TRAIN’S DESTINATION. But People are illiterate. And they can’t tell time. I would say…give them a break, what do you expect…they’re People. But do not be fooled. Do not buy into their doe eyed innocence. Do not give them a break. Do not excuse their stupidity. Why? Cause they’re People.
Do I think I’m a bad person for this? No. Do I think my karma is gonna plummet like Crispin’s reputation? Of course not. Anne Frank, good sweet dear Anne Frank said, “In spite of everything, I still believe that people are really good at heart.” And then People came and put her in a gas chamber. In the end, caring for People can only send you to a concentration camp. But that’s what you get for loving People.